This NPR article popped up on my Facebook feed and caught my eye.
Closing the word gap between rich and poor 
    A study in the 1990’s found that by the age of 3, children born into low-income families heard roughly 30 million fewer words than children who come from more affluent families. This “word gap” contributed to the widening achievement gap in education and life for many of these children. Researchers found that mandatory preschool for all children would not close the gap because the majority of the words learned in this study were before the age of 3. As I read this, it brought to mind studies I have heard about the importance of shared family meals.
    
    I have read where more language development happens more at the family dinner table than any other regular interaction with your child - including reading to them. (Check out this video: The Value of Family Dinner) Yes, reading to them is valuable but the language is limited to the words on the page. When families gather around mealtime they are interacting with each other and sharing their daily experiences. Quality meal time conversation includes everyone. Children hear words that describe their parent's feelings, work life, and ideas. Those kinds of words and ideas are not normally included in children's books. Listening, conversation skills and empathy are also learned around the dinner table. Children learn that the world is larger than their lives and ideas.

     Unfortunately shared mealtime in families has become the exception in many homes where it used to be the rule. More parents work shifts that conflict with this time of day. One parent may be consistently missing family meals or out of necessity parents may be leaving something for children to heat up for themselves. Shared meals are also difficult for families who are busy in a different way - through the abundance of enrichment activities. These families may not eat together because everyone is going in a different direction doing their own activities.

     I have talked to parents whose children participate in their share of enrichment activities. Yes, they are busy. But they also have found a way to regularly eat dinner together. They have prioritized this time as a non-negotiable. And in families where eating supper is not a shared activity, they make sure everyone is present at another time like breakfast. Those parents realize it is not so much the time the meal happens that is important but the relationships that are built in those shared moments.

    Closing the word gap cannot be solved solely by family meals – but it is a start. In some families it may seem like everyone sitting down together at the same time for a meal is as difficult as climbing Mt. Everest. But imagine the benefits to your children and your family: your little ones get a head start in school, your growing children learn conversation skills, and everyone shares more in each other’s life. You may even feel more like a family – just by sharing a meal!

~Pam

    I am a graduate of the Lutheran School of Theology in Chicago. I was part of that community for five and a half years while I attending part time as a commuter student. Those were some of the most formative and important years in my life. My beginning in that community though was a bit rocky. Unlike about 90% of the students, I was not learning "how to be” a pastor. I hold the profession and ministry of ordained leadership in high regard. I just knew it was not for me. 
     I questioned myself regularly, "So what am I doing there if I do not fit that mold?" My answer settled on a negative and unhealthy refrain: I referred to myself as a fraud. I certainly didn't do this in public. It was just in my own head, my own self-talk. Because that is how I saw myself, I am sure that affected how I engaged in the life of the seminary. For my first two semesters I would drive in to Hyde Park just as my class was starting, slide into my seat, sit quietly and take notes, certainly not make eye-contact with the legitimate students(!), and then escape immediately back out to the suburbs when class was over. I never projected my negative thoughts on the seminary community. I didn't blame them for not including me. I just did what I needed to do and got out of there. At least for that first year.....

     I do not know when the shift came, when I began to feel connected to the school and the people. I do know that I began to spend more time in the building and in doing so got to know more people and they got to know me. I tried to pay attention to what was important to the life of the community even if I could not directly  participate because my home and work were in Glen Ellyn. I started to attend worship - which as you can imagine at a seminary is central to life there. I eventually found my own sense of place and more importantly I stopped thinking of myself as a fraud, as someone who didn’t belong.

     Within my role of Director of Family Ministry at Faith, I lead a relationship workshop for 5th graders and their parents. The conversations with these students focus on qualities of healthy relationships with themselves (no negative self-talk!), their parents, their friends and eventually the people they will date and with whom they will have more intimate relationships. We use a simple formula to facilitate the discussion: trusting relationships = time + vulnerability. We talk about how people need to spend time together to learn about each other, find out what is important about the other and share what is important to them. As people share in more experiences, you then hopefully build trust so that you can open up and be more of your authentic self with the other person.

    I think that formula holds up not just for one-on-one relationships but also when we first enter any new community: whether it be a job, family, school or even church. We don't just jump in at the middle of things and immediately feel comfortable with a strong sense of belonging. There is mutual learning over time from both sides. As I think specifically about the church community, I see how important it is to acknowledge the individual nature of the way people will become engaged and find their sense of place. People will participate in different ways. One person's timing will be different from another. One person's willingness to be vulnerable may take longer than others. I think of my own church and our community. As a leader at Faith, I try to model my behavior by what I experienced from the seminary leadership. 
     -Be present and vulnerable myself. 
     -Keep inviting. 
     -Notice people -at some point they will make eye contact back. 
     -Know that everyone is important to the life of the community even if they do not fit a certain mold.

     So the answer to the question of "Who belongs?" is everyone. We all belong as long as we keep an inclusive and flexible idea of belonging. The responsibility resides with everyone: those who feel comfortable and those who are tiptoeing around the edges not making eye contact. Obstacles to belonging can be too easily constructed. It is harder and messier to take the time to build relationships and to trust others. It is also hard to trust ourselves that we really do belong. As I learned years ago and continue to learn, communities -whatever they are- will be stronger as we continue to share our authentic selves with each other.

~Pam

    Advent is a time of stillness, of patient waiting. Experiencing
stillness is hard for us at any time of the year, let alone the weeks leading up to Christmas. In December many more tasks and events are added to an already full schedule. We take joy in the shopping, preparing, decorating, baking and socializing. But...for those of us who are connected into the liturgical life of the church, we are told this is the time to slow down, to reflect and wait for the coming of Christ. 

     One of the most profound gifts we can give others is to be a
"place" of Advent for them. Invite them into a quiet space, a time of mutual peace and stillness. The best way for me to do this is to actually sit with someone, slow down and listen deeply. You don't need to be in complete silence to find peace. What many of us yearn for is to be authentically seen and heard. That is the moment of Advent we can give each other. As we anticipate Immanuel - God with us- we remember that we don't need to wait. God is here. God is in the relationships we treasure. God is in the moments of deep listening and deep knowing that we give to each other.

     This week I visited my friend who just had her second child - a month early. She was told to not go out and submit the baby to the cold weather and the seasonal germs. On good days my friend is nestled inside feeding, cuddling and taking care of her little one. On difficult days she is trapped with no adult conversation getting very little sleep. My willingness to do the simple things like hold the baby and listen to the stream-of-consciousness thoughts that finally had an adult listening ear were a gift to my friend. An Advent gift: the gift of presence in the midst of ordinary life. 

     We hear this season that God came into this world in the midst of the ordinary: to a government counting its people, in a barn warmed only with the bodies of animals, and to a woman and man who previously had led an
unremarkable life. And yet, there is God coming to them and us, Immanuel, in the middle of the ordinary moments. Likewise, in a small living room on the northwest side of Chicago, the Holy Spirit was stirring. God was once again working through an infant. My friend wasn't the only one experiencing the gift of Advent. As I listened to the cooing and murmurs of a sleeping infant, I could feel my muscles relax and my mind becoming free of all the lists and worries of the day. The baby helped me be truly present in the moment so I could give my full attention to her mother. Once again, it is a child who leads us and points us to the awesome love of God.

     I pray this will not be my only still moment of this Advent season. I trust that the Holy Spirit has more peaceful stirrings designed for me in both the joyful busyness and the moments of quiet as I wait for Christmas.

 A blessed Advent to you ~
Pam